Only shed tears when violin strings accompany two lovers reuniting?  Only think to distrust someone when sinister chords play upon their arrival?  Only feel like driving when “Black Betty” is playing on the radio?

You have Soundtrack Dependence Syndrome. 

Do not lose hope.  Admitting you have a problem is the first stage to recovery.  Discuss your experiences with this debilitating disorder in the comments section below.  Until then, mute those DVDs.  Subtitles are your friend.

If you hate graphics, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed for the Nintendo DS is your game.  Not only are the visuals horrible and antiquated, even by handheld standards, but you’ll spend most of your time looking down at the second screen anyway, choosing what you want your pixely Jedi to do.

It’s hard to figure if this game is a result of trying to port a more complex game to the DS and failing, or deciding to do too little and succeeding.  As mentioned above, you won’t be looking at the eyesore on the top screen all that much as you’ll be tapping and dragging icons on the lower touch screen.  Then you have the pleasure of looking back up and watching your Jedi wave his lightsaber at a wookie the exact same way he did the last ten times.  Or gasp in amazement as an ill-defined piece of metal slides towards a slow-moving droid and possibly touches it, causing it to explode (or perhaps the robot decided to self-destruct so it could escape the game it was trapped in).

In lieu of proper combat controls, odd mini-games are thrown into the mix during boss battles.  Who needs a well-balanced fighting system when you can rotate a lightsaber or drag “force” spheres into a whirlpool instead?  These would make more sense if they were extras (a collection of Mos Eisley Cantina Bar Games, perhaps?), not as the main weapon in your battle to defeat an enemy you’ve spent five minutes not enjoying a level to fight.

If you want a better Star Wars game for your DS, try Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga instead.  It’s a fun game with a good sense of humour that rewards fans of the series with unlockable extras, satisfying hack ‘n slash gameplay, and good-looking cut scenes.  You read that right – the cut scenes in Lego Star Wars are graphically superior to The Force Unleashed.  Review Over.

1 star (out of five)

Take the feeling you have while looking at this screenshot and multiply it a hundredfold. That's what it feels like to play "Star Wars: The Force Unleashed" for Nintendo DS.

Snow Cake (2006)

Alex Hughes (Alan Alex) and Linda Freeman (Sigourney Linda) play a game of Comic Book Word Scrabble, wherin you can lay any made-up word you want, but have to use it in a comic book context. Alex reluctantly stumbles through an explanation of his word, “YAMOOL.”

Alex: Right, um… Spider-Man…
Linda: Spider-Man?
Alex: What’s wrong with Spider-Man?
Linda: Well, it’s a bit obvious. Oh, alright. Spider-Man.
Alex: Spider-Man is about to save the universe from an evil… thing… and… so he hits him with a jet of web… Yamool!… and it stops him… it… in its tracks.
Linda: …You are terrible at this game.

And then Linda lays DAZLIOUS.

Linda: Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four. He’s got arms made of elastic so they can stretch for two, maybe three hundred miles. He’s been imprisoned in a cave for seven days with no food and no water and no light. And on the eighth day he manages to loosen a rock and push his way up through the top-
Alex: With his stretchy arms.
Linda: -and up into the daylight. Just as the sun is coming up over the mountains and filling the sky with this white-yellow light and there’s a stillness. And in the few minutes he’s got before his captor, the evil Dr. Doom, returns, he stops for one second. And all he can hear is his own breathing. And he’s totally overwhelmed by how big the world is and how small and unimportant he is. And as he turns around, you see his face look to the sky and he says very quietly, so that no one can hear him, he says…DAZLIOUS.
Alex:…I’m going to make some tea. I can see if I’m going to have any chance at winning this game I’m going to really need to focus.

(Watch the scene on YouTube)

Crimson Tide (1995)

Lt. Commander Ron Hunter (Denzel Washington) finds two of his submarine subordinates duking it out below decks.  It might piss off Denzel, but I would have sided with Bennefield…

Hunter: Rivetti, what’s up?
Rivetti: I’m sorry, Sir.  It’s just a difference of opinion that got out of hand.
Hunter: What about?
Rivetti: It’s really too silly to talk about, Sir.  I’d really just forget about…
Hunter: I don’t give a damn about what you’d rather forget about.  Why were you two fighting?
Rivetti: I said, the Kirby Silver Surfer was the only real Silver Surfer.  And that the Moebius Silver Surfer was sh*t. And Bennefield’s a big Moebius fan.  And it got of hand.  I pushed him.  He pushed me.  I lost my head, Sir.  I’m Sorry.
Hunter: Rivetti, you’re a supervisor.  You can get a commission like that.
Rivetti: I know, Sir.  You’re 100 percent right.  It will never happen again.
Hunter: It better not happen again.  If I see this kind of nonsense again, I’m going to write you up.  You understand?  Do you understand?
Rivetti: Yes, Sir.
Hunter: You have to set an example even in the face of stupidity.  Everybody who reads comic books knows that the Kirby Silver Surfer is the only true Silver Surfer.  Now am I right or wrong?
Rivetti: You’re right, Sir.
Hunter: Now get out of here.
Rivetti: Yes, Sir.

Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)

Bill (David Carradine) has our hero The Bride (Uma Thurman) in his clutches and, like any good villain, proceeds to spout a monologue. However, his version bucks the traditional topics of lasers and world domination.

Bill: As you know, l’m quite keen on comic books.  Especially the ones about superheroes.  I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating.  Take my favorite superhero, Superman.  Not a great comic book.  Not particularly well-drawn.  But the mythology… The mythology is not only great, it’s unique.  Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there’s the superhero and there’s the alter ego.  Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker.  When that character wakes up in the morning, he’s Peter Parker.  He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man.  And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone.  Superman didn’t become Superman.  Superman was born Superman.  When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman.  His alter ego is Clark Kent.  His outfit with the big red “S”, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him.  Those are his clothes.  What Kent wears – the glasses, the business suit – that’s the costume.  That’s the costume Superman wears to blend in with us.  Clark Kent is how Superman views us.  And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent.  He’s weak… he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward.  Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.

(Watch the scene on YouTube)

Mallrats (1995)

Mallrats could have it’s own list of comic conversations, but this one is the best. We join T.S. (Jeremy London) and Brodie (Jason Lee) mid-conversation in the Food Court (or near an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking, depending on your outlook).

T.S.: But they’re engaged.
Brodie: It doesn’t matter, it can’t happen.
T.S.: Why not? It’s bound to come up.
Brodie: It’s impossible. Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes can handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun, right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?
T.S.: Sure. Why not?
Brodie: He’s an alien, for Christ’s sake! His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.

Chasing Amy (1997)

Was there any doubt Kevin Smith’s films would show up more than once in this list? This exchange happens at a bar between Hooper (Dwight Ewell) and Banky (Jason Lee again) with Holden (Ben Affleck) to egg things on.

Banky: Archie, all right? Archie and the Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-loving bunch. You can’t find dysfunction in those comics, because they were just flat out wholesome.
Hooper: Archie and Jughead were lovers.
Banky: Shut the f*ck up.
Hooper: It’s true. Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch- that’s why he was always going around wearing that crown looking hat all the time: he’s the king of queen Archie’s world.
Banky: Man, I feel a hate crime coming on.
Holden: He’s got a point. Archie never did decide on Betty or Veronica.
Banky: Because he wanted them both at the same time, you assholes!  He never chose one because he was trying to get both of them into a threeway!

It could be a particularly witty comeback.  Or the way the sun shines off your glasses and creates a “lens flare.”  Or maybe just the feeling that each step is taking you towards some inevitable climax.

This is your cinemoment.

(Feel free to post your cinemoments below!)

We’ve decided to give Shia a helping hand (sorry) and list the 5 coolest things to replace his pummeled paw!

Scythe
(as seen on The Grim Reaper in Marvel Comics)

This choice would ensure Shia always get “final cut” on his films.

Chainsaw
(as seen on Ash Campbell in Army of Darkness)

While uber-cool, might be cost-prohibitive due to rising gas prices.

Robotic Hand
(as seen on Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back)

Comes with complimentary lightsaber!

Sonic Blaster
(as seen on Klaw in Marvel Comics)

Doubles as an MP3 player.

Gatling Gun
(as seen on Barret in Final Fantasy VII)

This would definitely make Shia more believable as an action star.

I’m really interested to see how these new ”guidelines” will affect one of the WB’s next films, “Nights in Rodanthe.”  What’s Diane Lane’s Bed & Breakfast viral website going to look like?! And what Rodanthe-related clues will it unlock?!?!